Shear Determination

One of the first things made clear was the obvious- the fact that I would lose my hair. My initial response and coping mechanism was to throw up a joke or tell myself and others that I was not tied to my hair. If I am being honest, 80% of the time I throw it up in a ponytail or braid. But I find myself now for the second time in less than 5 weeks stressing, worrying and anxious just at the thought of it.  

I was told to plan to start losing my hair around week 2 of this first bout of chemo. Week 2 came and went, and I didn’t see a difference. Weeks 3 & 4 started and ended the same. Which brings me to week 5. As I met with Dr. Shatavi, I asked about it. I started by saying the logical side of my brain knows the answer- and that every person’s body reacts differently. However, the irrational and emotional side is worried that my treatments are not working. She confidently responded that she was not worried and that I was correct in that my body will react on its time. She was right, I think that night or even the next day or so I started to lose more and more each time I would comb through. Reminded yet again that I am not in control!  

This week work wise but busy! I am blessed to have made it through unaffected by the side effects! Saturday hit hard and unexpectedly. I was all over the place and ultimately displaced the anxiety of losing my hair onto how it was going to go down. I had to cut about half of my hair off on Saturday afternoon because it was so matted down, I couldn’t brush it. I was not ok. I ignored my feelings and went to cleaning around the house. At some point it just became to much for me, and I just lost it. I found myself focusing on something outside of the actual reason for my nerves. Thank God for Shandy who took things into her own hands and helped me in a way I didn’t even know I needed in that moment. She has been through this before from a hairdresser’s perspective. She also knew that as much as I want to, I can control very little in this process.

This part makes things more outwardly evident that I am going through something. But also, this is very much a reality for about a year of our lives, and I need to normalize it- for the kids and for me!

We started with Margaritas and Mexican- if you know me you know this is on point. We then moved over to The H.I.V.E. for an intimate experience of shaving my head! There were firecrackers, a dance party, laughs, tears but most importantly LOVE! An indescribable amount of LOVE! It was everything I wanted and more. I was able to show our boys that this stage is OK! Walker was a little to comfortable with the clippers and Wyatt was loving life having all of his favorite people there with him! We ended with ice cream! Seriously, all of my favorite things in one day!

The boys really didn’t seem bothered by the fact that my hair is shorter. Its kind of funny because as adults I think we hold onto this aspect so much more than they do.